During these last few weeks of my life I have been going through a crucial phase of which I hope to find myself and my place at last. It's about faith.
As you all know by now i'm a Muslim. I've been a believer to some extent, but i'm definitely what you call a secular believer or Muslim. During my whole life there has been a struggle within me to which i have totally surrendered sometimes or tried to totally ignore sometimes. And all the time i have felt unease about the situation. It's been a constant fight within me about the two extremes: to believe or not to believe. Faith was either black or white. Either you believe and follow strictly every single word of whatever you choose to believe in or you just don't. I've always been told that you cannot believe in somethings of a faith and not other things of the same faith.
Usually I've chosen the I believe in Allah and the prophet (pbuh) - and the rest I cant really help. But lately I've made up my mind. Cause that did not work for me either. Because in times of hardship or joy I always turned to God. So obviously there was something more inside my lost soul. So I have been thinking. Why cant I just accept my faith the way it is expressed in me? Why do I insist on forcing beliefs and feelings upon myself?
So I have stopped and learnt to accept the way I am. I believe in Allah and I believe in the holy Quran. I live my life the way I see is best for me and a constant prayer on my lips is "Allah guide me to what benefits me and makes me good, and guide me away from what harms me and makes me a bad human being."
For what is Islam about? Islam is the religion of well manners and coexistence. It's about being a good human being, doing good and in the process giving yourself with heart and soul to God. And I try my best to be a good person and i try my best to be good. And God himself admits to the human weakness. I can't be perfect, but with the help of God i will be good.
This insight has given me the best spiritual experience ever, that of being at ease and feeling joy. I'm closer to God now, in my own special earthly way. But at least I pray for his acceptance. I bring him along, with every step i take on this journey till my body says " enough". And for the first time ever in my life I felt what you are supposed to feel when praying. The complete surrender and ease of soul that is the purpose of prayers. For the first time I smiled and didn't wanna rush through it.
And now I realize that who are people to judge me for how I choose to believe? And who are people to think they are better believers because they do what they do? When Allah himself was so content with me he gave me this marvelous experience of letting me closer to him in my prayers! So, all I have learnt is that no matter faith, the only thing you need is good intentions and you will be guided in life to become better, be it the "correct" way or any other way.
